am i still terrified of change?

"Jesus Christ is

the same 

yesterday and today 

and forever."

Hebrews 13:8

Hey guys!! I hope you all have been doing amazing! I am a week late with this blog post lol. My childhood best friend moved across the country three years ago, and she stayed at my house for a few days for the first time since she left. I wanted to focus on her, and not worry about getting a blog out on time. I had such an amazing time catching up with her. Our relationship literally has not changed a bit despite the distance and lack of communication. It felt like she  had never left. Our stomachs hurt terribly from laughing, and also from eating everything that we crossed paths with. It was hard to watch her leave again. My selfish side wanted her to just stay and to be my neighbor again; however, she is thriving in her new environment. I am constantly reminding myself that as much as I want and need her here with me... Her well-being and happiness mean so much more to me. 

(My best friend and I!! If you do not follow me on social media, I am the one in the striped shorts. We found that pink wall on the top of a random parking garage.)

Onto today's blog... Am I still terrified of change? The short answer to this question is yes and no. If you have been keeping up with my blogs, you know by now that I struggle with change, and I am really hard on myself when any little thing changes in my life. A LOT of people who struggle with anxiety struggle with the idea of change / actual changes. Sometimes, it is just easier to have a routine, and just have a better idea of what is in store for tomorrow. Is that a good way to live? NO! Life is always going to be full of both good and bad changes. 

Since graduating from high school, my life has been constantly changing. When everything starting changing, I definitely struggled with feeling like I could not get a grip on my life. Depending on the season of life I was going through, my prayers were full of "Is this really what You want me to do? I thought you wanted me to go to school." "God, why did you take certain people out of my life? Why does 'so and so' from high school not talk to me? We used to be such good friends." "God, why can't you just give me a job? I hate waking up and knowing I have nowhere to be and no purpose!!" "God, why are You putting me through this? Do you really think ME of all people is strong enough to go through this?" "Why God?!" 

And then one morning in January, I woke up, and my mindset completely flipped. All I could see was why I went through so much. One day, I was mad and full of angry / tearful questions towards God, and the next, I had this hope and fire for what God had in store for me. A lot of my family picked up on this change in me. My mom was one who especially noticed. My mom and I were talking with my best friend when she was over, and we were just like word-vomiting updates to each other. My mom interjected at one point, and told my friend, "She woke up one morning, got out of bed, and you could just tell she was not the same." 

(I took this picture after my sister, her boyfriend, and I had picked tons of peaches from an orchard. We were allowed to pick them

for free! Sorry the font is kind of hard to read! I have been testing out new fonts to caption pictures and different edits.)

As the months have passed, I still have my moments of anxiety. I still will get anxious facing different changes. I still have moments when I ask "God, why?" But at the end of the day, I realize it does not matter if I do not understand in the moment. My work schedule changes. My sister, Anastasia (aka my best friend), and I have rocky moments in our relationship. I am not saying everything is perfect, and that I respond to every situation smiling from ear to ear. But as each day comes and goes, I stand firm in knowing that I will ALWAYS have a constant relationship with God. God's love for me NEVER will change. No matter how hard it is to understand every situation I know God will never EVER leave my side. How can I not be comforted by that? 

To wrap this up, I no longer look at change as a deep, black hole that will swallow me up. Although, anxiety is still a constant struggle, I am learning it does not have full control over me. If I get scared, I do not get frustrated with myself. Sometimes, it is just best to force myself to realize... there is always something to be thankful for. Those things aren't always the easiest to see, but that does not mean they are not there. If you take only one thing away from this, let it be this : 

You never know what the future holds, but God does. 

(I love taking pictures of the sky. I was in the car with Melody and my sister. My sister stopped in the middle of the road for me to lean over her, and take this picture. [We checked our surroundings for cars first though hahaha.])

Lastly, you ALL are loved and appreciated! <3 <3 Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog. If you have any questions / comments / concerns regarding ANY of my blogs, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. I would love to hear what you have to say! Please keep praying for my grandmother (heart failure that causes other health issues) and my cousin (recovering from a brain tumor removal). Now, go prosper, love others, and be the light God calls us all to be! 

Instagram : Newkindofliving 
Email : newkindofliving@gmail.com

PEACE OUT UNTIL NEXT TIME!

misinterpreting anxiety

"Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed

for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you, 

Yes, I will help you, 

I will uphold you with 

My righteous right hand." 

Isaiah 41:10

Hey guys!! I hope you all are doing well. I hope you all had a great 4th of July, and stayed safe! I came up with this blog post awhile back, and I am so happy to finally be writing it. 

I want to start this off by saying if I write something you feel is truly inaccurate or insensitive to others, please let me know. Blogspot makes it SUPER easy to go in and edit after posting. This applies to any of my other blogs as well. 

Let's jump right in. Recently, I talked to someone who has been going through something, and I said to them, "... We all fight our own battles." It was such a huge reminder to myself, and I felt like I should share it in this blog. I think that is INCREDIBLY important to remember when you are talking to someone with a mental illness especially. (This does apply to anyone who is just going through a hard time though.) Many times I have been told that my "problem/problems" can be "overlooked." No matter how many times I have heard that, I always am a little surprised, because who does not have any problems?? Maybe you don't have anxiety or depression or a very well known mental illness, but it is very likely you have a hard time with something. Each of us are fighting some kind of battle. It may not be as consistent as someone with a mental illness, but you still will have your own moments. 

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear anxiety? A lot of people think of a shy person who is introverted and scared in large groups. A LOT of times when anxiety is talked about, people are actually referring to social anxiety. However, there is a HUGE spectrum when it comes to anxiety. Let's take me for example, because I can speak for myself without repercussions hahaha. If you know me or knew me, you know I can be a loud and very talkative individual. I laugh at just about anything, and if someone has ears, I can practically talk them off. If you went to school with me and were in classes with me, you most likely heard me getting told to stop talking. My parents and biological siblings used to wonder "where I came from", because I am such a talker. I am also a very happy person. I can be very bubbly, and my perspective on life isn't always all negativity. Yet, I have TERRIBLE anxiety. (To learn more on my anxiety disorder specifically, read "addressing my mental illness".)

As I mentioned above, there are many different kinds of anxiety. You have phobias, paranoia, general, social, panic, OCD, PTSD, etc. You could be a mix or mostly one that may branch into other forms of anxiety. Anxiety could also partner with depression / bipolar disorder and so on. However, this spectrum also means that some people with say phobias is not screaming or panicking when their phobia is triggered. I have emetophobia (fear of throw up), and when someone is throwing up, I will just run. If I throw up, I will have a stronger reaction usually, and will probably cry. I also struggle with general anxiety, and I am just scared about things others would most likely not give a second thought about. 

People with anxiety can still be positive and happy. Depending on their anxiety, they can be just as happy as anyone or not far from others. I would consider myself just as happy or even more happy than most people. I try to be as a positive as possible, but it is definitely something that can take a lot of work sometimes. As anxious as I am, I can still function. I can still have fun, and I am still capable of doing things even if it causes some anxiety. I am also a huge believer in not using your mental illness to be mean or not care about others feelings. There may be moments where you are stressed, and someone may know this and still be a pain in the butt. In that case, you may get more stressed leading you to say things you should not. It is extremely important to be careful with that though, and it is no excuse to be mean or insensitive to others ever. It is not an excuse for every mistake you have made either. 

I want to wrap this up by saying... If you do not have a mental illness or one that is a heavy burden and you want to understand them more, look at it like a physical illness. Some people with anxiety may not be able to do something, because it makes them extremely anxious. An example would be I do not like getting seconds at a house if I am even slightly uncomfortable even when it is offered to me. I am usually with my sister and will ask her to help. This does not make me lazy. I am just less anxious if someone helps me. Nowadays, I am able to do things, but back when I was younger, I did not like going places (birthday parties, sleepovers, Sunday school, etc.). People would call me a party pooper, and to this day, I cannot do EVERYTHING someone else can. I have cried almost every single time someone called me this, because every time I was called this, it was because I was just mentally unable to do so. I felt like people saw me as boring, and there was nothing I could do about it. Some people take medication just like people with a physical illness. For me, I sleep a lot. On nights I do not sleep well or get enough sleep, my anxiety always gets worse. I am NOT saying physical illness is any harder or easier to deal with than a mental illness. I am just using physical illness as an analogy to help those who need a better understanding of mental illnesses. Just because you cannot physically see mental pain does NOT mean it is not there. 

(One of the best songs ever!! Definitely listen to it!!)

Thank you ALL for reading this long blog!! You ALL are loved and appreciated!! <3 <3 My cousin is still recovering from his brain tumor removal, and my grandmother would never turn down a prayer to help her get through the harder days! 

Instagram : Newkindofliving

Email : newkindofliving@gmail.com