addressing my mental illness

 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow,

 for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. 

Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

Matthew 6:34

Hey guys! I am actually so excited to be writing this blog. It is something I have been wanting to talk about for the longest time. It is not the best topic in the world, but it is something that has to be talked about. This blog will most likely jump all over the place.  Hahaha sorry in advance!

Alright, let's just jump right in. At the age of five, I began showing symptoms of anxiety. Here is what I remember of how it all went down:

I had a nightmare one night. It started off with my family coming home from a trip. We had pulled up to my house. We were about to get out of the car. When all of the sudden, my older brother leaned over and threw up all over me and my favorite lunchbox lol. I remember it so clearly. Then, I woke up screaming, "I hate you! I hate you!" I was completely drenched in sweat. From that one nightmare, I developed Emetophobia. 

Emetophobia : extreme fear of vomiting

This is actually an extremely common phobia, and it can cause very irrational anxiety. My fear made me cling to my mom. Every single day of K5 - 3rd grade, I sobbed going to school. My parents did what they could to try to make it easier on me. Every morning my mom would do everything she could to help my days go a little smoother. My parents put me in a Montessori school for first - third grade. They thought it would be best to keep me in a very stress free environment. Despite me loving the teachers there and all my friends, I spent every day clinging to my mom's headrest in the car, and begging that she would not make me go. The teachers who would help the students out of the car had to get inside my car and grab me out. 

In fourth grade, my mom began homeschooling my two adopted sisters and I. My sister, Anastasia, and I were homeschooled from fourth - eighth grade. My sister, Dariya, went to school for some of that time. This was the best thing ever for me. However, I still cried when my parents dropped me off for Sunday school or at a friend's house. I had a hard time with sleepovers. When it was time for me to go to high school, I broke down. My eight grade year I spent three months in my room, and I hardly left it. Since I was homeschooled, it was easy to lock myself away. I would scream at the top of my lungs begging my parents to homeschool me. When I say "scream", I mean it. For the first two weeks of my freshmen year, I would spend part of almost every class period crying in the nurse's office. Then, I would walk back into my classes like nothing happened.

So, there is a pretty good background of how my life was. Emetophobia grew into me just being a very anxious person. And sadly to this day, I struggle with things. I have not overcome my fear of throw up, but I have made a lot of progress. I can now freely talk about throw up without feeling like I am going to have a panic attack. I do get very scared when I am sick, and if I think someone else is about to get sick, I will freak out. As crazy as it sounds, it is very hard to deal with. I have missed out on many fun opportunities, because I just could not handle it. Because of that one fear, I now have so many. 

I get very weird about change. It can be something very small to very big, but I will react the same. If someone tries to change plans on the spot, I will start panicking, and I may back out. Then, I will start to get very upset if I feel like they are not understanding me. If someone calls me a "party pooper" or says anything close to that, I will start crying. My anxiety naturally makes me a very guilty person, and I start feeling really bad that I let it control me. 

As a kid growing up, I thought I was the only one who had this problem. No one cried like I did. No one lived in fear like I did. I have always tried to laugh at myself, but nothing was harder than thinking I was alone in this. I will never forget the day my older sister, Kristen, referred to my problem as "anxiety." At that moment, I realized my problem had a name, and I was not the only one who had this problem. No one wants to be alone in this world. It is just not how we were made. I just want all of you who are struggling with anxiety or anything else to know... You are not alone. Not only is God carrying you through this every second of the way, but there are other people struggling with things as well.

In the Bible it clearly says do not be worried about anything many times, yet here I am always worrying. I do believe that if it was not for how strongly I believe in God, and how everyday I push a little harder to overcome everything... I would be in a much rougher place. I do not take any form of medication, and I never have.  

My advice :

Do not get discouraged. It is okay to be human, but remind yourself of that bible verse up above. God does not want us to have to worry about what comes next in our lives. He wants us to trust Him in ALL situations. So, when times get tough, you are going to have to get even tougher. If we never had to face trials, we would never get stronger in our faith. When times are to easy, we tend to forget who to give credit to. 

You all are appreciated and loved! <3 Big things are happening in my life, and I promise I will be able to share it soon. I am not quite sure when, but soon!! As always, I ask that you keep my grandmother in your prayers. She has been doing much better, but she could always use prayers. Alright well, peace out!

Let's talk! I love hearing your own stories and opinions! If you have any questions / comments / concerns that you would rather not comment down below, direct message me or email me!

Instagram : Newkindofliving

Email : Newkindofliving@gmail.com  

PEACE OUT UNTIL NEXT TIME!!!