getting through my breakup

"I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Letting go and trusting when I cannot see
I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Surely every season you are good to me"

"Counting every blessing" by Rend Collective

(**DISCLAIMER: I will not be using my previous boyfriend's name. I never mentioned it any other blogs, and I plan on keeping it that way. I feel it is more respectful to just not refer to him by his name. Secondly, we did not end on hateful terms. Please do not be hateful towards either of us. Lastly, I will not go into detail; therefore, you will not know the whole story to be able to judge. So, please keep it respectful. Thank you!)

Hey guys! I am back with more shocking and unexpected news. Except this time, it is not as easy and fun to type. As many of you know, I was with someone for almost four years. We had our good times, and we had our bad times. So what exactly happened? 

Here's my super quick summary : 

When we started dating, I was fourteen, and he was fifteen. We were two very different individuals, but at such a young age, we were not to bothered by it. As we grew older, the differences started showing up more and more. The differences caused us to fight, and we butted heads a lot. During our senior year, we were both unhappy. So, I broke up with him. However, we got back together a week later without hardly anyone knowing we were even broken up. We both thought things would get better. Almost a year later, the differences really started to show. We fought a lot. I was almost always in a bad mood. I grew unhappy. So, I broke up with him. (Again, this is only a brief summary. I did not leave the second that things got bad. We tried to work stuff out, but it just did not end up working.)

It was really sad. It all happened during the holidays. There is really no good timing for a breakup, but I think that was the absolute worse timing possible. I was so heartbroken. When it was 100% finalized, I could not stop crying. I could not even go to work the next day. I stayed in bed for three days. I hardly ate for almost week. 

Basically, I just wanted you all to see I did not take it well. Now, I can talk about what I did to feel better. As I mentioned many, many times, I have anxiety, and cannot deal with change. I struggled with a lot of little things. For one, I was used to texting him ALL the time. Luckily, my friend, Sydney, has allowed me to text her a lot. At first, I cried thinking it was not the same, but after a few days, I got used to it. She has been so understanding through all of this. For some reason, I really struggled with instagram. The thought of it made me cry a lot, and I just could not look at it. Both of our instagrams are covered with pics of the two of us together. So, I deleted the app off of my phone. I did end up downloading it again, and I changed my profile picture and bio. I have not touched the pictures. I feel like I should mention something else about instagram as well. I did unfollow him for now. I was not trying to be petty or hateful. Simply, I just could not look at his profile. I did not block him, because I will let him decide whether or not he wants to follow me. 

I have been able to find things to help me feel better. I watch funny YouTube videos. I found that focusing on something to watch, and being able to laugh really helped. At night, I play shows until I fall asleep. I keep them playing throughout the entire night, because hard times can be much harder at night. I found cleaning my room helps a lot. Taking warm showers and doing face masks make me feel so clean and fresh. I go out to get coffee with my mom. (NOTE: My parents have been absolutely amazing through all of this as well!) When I had to go back to work, I was able to distract myself by playing with the little boy I watch. 

It was not easy. It still is not. It has not been that long since it all happened. I let myself feel okay, and I let myself feel sad. Somedays are better than others. It is important to let yourself feel during hard times. Don't beat yourself up about feeling certain ways. 

I want to end on a positive note. At the very top of this blog, there are song lyrics from one of my absolute favorite songs. I have been listening to this song a lot. I really am trying to count every single one of my blessings these days. The line "Surely every season you are good to me" is such a good reminder. No matter what is going on in your life... God is still good to us. There is ALWAYS blessings to be thankful for. I am not rushing into another relationship. For as long as God wants me to be single, I will work hard to strengthen my relationship with Him. I learned a lot about myself, and I am going to work hard to be the best me. 

2018 was hard, and I am determined to make 2019 great. I will be posting on making achievable goals for the new year soon! So stay tuned. I am going to be posting much more blogs. I already have a ton of ideas!

^^ My reminder every time I open my phone. It is important to remember that whatever path God wants us to take... He will be there to provide whatever it is you need. 

I appreciate you all for reading!(: Please continue praying for my grandmother who has a bad heart, and that my family has strength through all this.